:-D

HA!

HAAAAA!!!!




Just thought I'd get that out of my system...









HA!

Lunch

Chinese food?

I think so. Fuck trying to eat healthy.

FYI

I see everything.

I observe everything.

That's how I am. I can't help it. I know things before I'm told them.


A gift, a curse, a motherfucker.



I want to be dumb and unable to connect dots.

You know

I'm starting to see what all the fuss is about.


It's still impossible for me to admit it though.

Seriously

Why can't I stop?








I wish I was colder.

And almost instantly...

After writing the last thing, I wrote something else when I got to my desk. A response of sorts:

The prospect of love never scared me

-It's just that I hate the sensation of falling.




I don't know what that means either. But it felt right.

I came up with this the other day at work...

It was night time and I was dropping something off to the hotel. When I went in, I wrote this at the front desk. I needed to get it down before I forgot it...

I can see the stars tonight
Their lights reminding me of the twinkle in your eyes as you look to me and say:
I...
Like you


A lot

And it's funny how the corresponding gleaming
I see in your teeth match perfectly

I stare and get mesmerized as I try to memorize the shapes formed by their glittering
And more frequently
Flittering
Flattering
Redefining
My ideas about you



Fuck


This is what it feels like to fall.




It has a nice ring to it when I read this out loud.

22 years old

I am too young to have friends die.

Lisa
Walter
Alexa
Danny
Now Adam.

Who am I missing?
Who's next?

Yep

Bad decisions are my favorite.

All I need sometimes is a little push.

Last Saturday

I celebrated the 18 year anniversary of my heart surgery.

When I was a kid, they told me the scar would fade and seem to shrink away.




I'm glad they were wrong.

Thank you to everyone who well-wished and helped me celebrate

When I have the day off

I watch movies on NetFlix the whole day.

I watch movies the whole day.

And then sometimes go out at night.




I'm happy about that.


It's not bad being broke :-D

I am the Lord of the Flies, bitch.

Kicked it at RedBar last night. Killed it. Videos in
5
4
3
2
1
...

RedBar 1/14/09 pt1


RedBar 1/14/09 pt2

Handstands

I tried to do handstands for you
I tried to do handstands for you
But all I did was fall for you
All I did was fall
For
YooOOoouUUUuu

That fucking song is stuck in my head.
Fuck.



It's haunting as shit though.

Want to know a secret?

I have such a problem with speaking to people on a daily basis

That I routinely create situations in my head and develop conversation around them.

Just so when I say something, it sounds natural.


Chances are though, if I am speaking to you... I have said that exact same thing to someone at some point in the past. Or I have at least practiced saying it before. Sorry for not being genuine 100% of the time.

Wow

Fuck. Wow. Mansion last night.
I went to see a dj. I ended up with some great memories.





I'm so glad I wake up at 9am no matter what.

Want to know more? You're just gonna have to ask.

For today

Thank you.

Why do I open mic?

For the noise. For the silence. For the art. For the people.

Meeting people.
The energy. The connection. For the "what's ups" and the "good jobs."



For the jitters. The adrenaline. The rush. For the oompf.





It's just incredible. And you'd have to be there to understand.

Fuck

Stay strong Jaren
Stay strong Jaren
Stay strong Jaren
Stay strong Jaren
Stay strong Jaren
Stay strong Jaren
Stay strong Jaren
Stay strong Jaren
Stay strong Jaren
Stay strong Jaren
Stay strong Jaren
Stay strong Jaren
Stay strong Jaren
Stay strong Jaren
Stay strong Jaren
Stay strong Jaren
Stay strong Jaren
Stay strong Jaren
Stay strong Jaren
Stay strong Jaren

Boom

I wanna feel that booming
Droning
Mind blowing
Trip hopping
Top rocking
Show stopping
Pulse pounding
Life giving

Energy...

You feel when you're surrounded by beats.

Hard beats.




I need to meander back into the club life. Maybe this time I'll actually pay attention.

It's true

I am a very awkward person

Seriously.

I hope you all understand this.




I'm not good with words. I'm terribly compulsive. And I am too curious for my own good.
I am misunderstood for almost that reason alone.

I am painfully curious. And that leads me to be adventurous with how I am around people. What I say. What I do. I am constantly poking for a reaction.

I want people to react. Life. A rise. I want to see people in all of their conditions.

And I am impatient about that.



I want to be impatient. Cause I want what I want. And I want it now.

But feeling like I have to perform always and all the time for everybody doesn't help. Having to be "on." Watching what I say, being PC, being literate. Fuck it, man. I'm so sick of it.




So I am an awkward guy. And it's cost me more relationships (romantic or otherwise) than I care to admit. But I learn from it, and it makes me a better person.

Ok

So either I'm glowing,

or

I am getting more tan.



Having the "sex" glow without the sex is the goal.

Random

If I hadn't passed out from alcohol and sleep deprivation at the exact moment,
If I hadn't perked up at the right time,
And if I hadn't been on the right elevator,
And if I hadn't stopped on your floor to say hello,
If I hadn't taken the EXACT amount of time I did for the "Knock and wait,"
And if I didn't decide to take the same elevator down at that exact moment,


I would have just gone home,
And it wouldn't have been a big deal

But it's really really funny.

Jeeezz...

I can be a lot of fun when I want to be.

January 2nd was wild.

Veuve Cliquot. Stella. Vagabond. The crazies.

Wild.

Fisher Island

There are very few reasons why I haven't quit my job at Fisher Island.

I am here at 6am, and I am none too happy about that.

But...

I get to watch the sun rise over the Miami skyline.




That is good enough for me, for now.

Day 1-365

I get up
Early
I go to the bathroom
I log on to the computer
I spend an hour checking for movies and email and website updates
I get up
I find food
I take pills
I drink water
I shower
I dry off
I lament ever having put up with any amount of bullshit I have ever taken in my life
I put in my contacts
I brush my teeth
I lotion
I look in the mirror for ten minutes
I see everything I don't like about myself
I see that at this point my positive energy is drained
I dress
I check the internet again
I leave for work
I stand on my feet feeling degraded and under appreciated
I go home
I go to the internet
I feel anxious
I feel weak
I feel exhausted
I change
I watch a movie
I go to sleep
Late


What happened to my life?

This year.

I have such tremendous hope for this year.


I feel very good. Very fucking good.



The idea of impermanence is starting to grow on me. Conditions, feelings, people, pain, joy, failure, achievements... everything... every fucking thing. Fleeting moments strung together with ropes of whatever of it all.

I need to drift. Float away. I need to see if my engine still works. If not, I might have to paddle.







I just hope I packed a snack.