It's true

I am a very awkward person

Seriously.

I hope you all understand this.




I'm not good with words. I'm terribly compulsive. And I am too curious for my own good.
I am misunderstood for almost that reason alone.

I am painfully curious. And that leads me to be adventurous with how I am around people. What I say. What I do. I am constantly poking for a reaction.

I want people to react. Life. A rise. I want to see people in all of their conditions.

And I am impatient about that.



I want to be impatient. Cause I want what I want. And I want it now.

But feeling like I have to perform always and all the time for everybody doesn't help. Having to be "on." Watching what I say, being PC, being literate. Fuck it, man. I'm so sick of it.




So I am an awkward guy. And it's cost me more relationships (romantic or otherwise) than I care to admit. But I learn from it, and it makes me a better person.

Ok

So either I'm glowing,

or

I am getting more tan.



Having the "sex" glow without the sex is the goal.

Random

If I hadn't passed out from alcohol and sleep deprivation at the exact moment,
If I hadn't perked up at the right time,
And if I hadn't been on the right elevator,
And if I hadn't stopped on your floor to say hello,
If I hadn't taken the EXACT amount of time I did for the "Knock and wait,"
And if I didn't decide to take the same elevator down at that exact moment,


I would have just gone home,
And it wouldn't have been a big deal

But it's really really funny.

Jeeezz...

I can be a lot of fun when I want to be.

January 2nd was wild.

Veuve Cliquot. Stella. Vagabond. The crazies.

Wild.

Fisher Island

There are very few reasons why I haven't quit my job at Fisher Island.

I am here at 6am, and I am none too happy about that.

But...

I get to watch the sun rise over the Miami skyline.




That is good enough for me, for now.

Day 1-365

I get up
Early
I go to the bathroom
I log on to the computer
I spend an hour checking for movies and email and website updates
I get up
I find food
I take pills
I drink water
I shower
I dry off
I lament ever having put up with any amount of bullshit I have ever taken in my life
I put in my contacts
I brush my teeth
I lotion
I look in the mirror for ten minutes
I see everything I don't like about myself
I see that at this point my positive energy is drained
I dress
I check the internet again
I leave for work
I stand on my feet feeling degraded and under appreciated
I go home
I go to the internet
I feel anxious
I feel weak
I feel exhausted
I change
I watch a movie
I go to sleep
Late


What happened to my life?

This year.

I have such tremendous hope for this year.


I feel very good. Very fucking good.



The idea of impermanence is starting to grow on me. Conditions, feelings, people, pain, joy, failure, achievements... everything... every fucking thing. Fleeting moments strung together with ropes of whatever of it all.

I need to drift. Float away. I need to see if my engine still works. If not, I might have to paddle.







I just hope I packed a snack.